"...Dark secrets burn their vessel..."

Wow, so... The sun, yeah, love it. All that riding in the rain was fun and all, but the past few days have just been a dream. Today I went out to st. Johns before work, then took the bridge to hwy 30 over to NW. It was so beautiful. And seeing all the cyclists out was amazing! Work was great too eveyone has a great outlook on life when the sun comes out after so much greyness, it's insperational. I had almost forgotten about the sun, I'd just begun to love life without it, then here she is, like a lost lover back for one more whirlwind romance.

Ate dinner at Gino's tonight, delicous as always. And I'm just realizing that I missed Casie's birthday... Sorry, and thanks for not giving me shit for that today, also thanks for that aweful song you got stuck in my head, not nice.

Went to another show at Valentines tonight. Fun stuff. It got me too excited to work so I turned in and went back for real. I've been working real hard lately on loving myself (ha! Yeah that too). I always seem to be super bummed out when I'm not with someone I care about, but that's fucked. I'm trying to be happy with just me right now, sounds dumb, but I feel a lot better. All the shit I normally cling to in the person I'm in love with I'm trying to get excited about in me. It's kind of like i'm trying to date myself for a while. It's a little hard cuz I look much less like a woman than anyone I've ever dated. But really it's been helping a lot, I'm still having some crazy spells, but they seem to be much milder and not nearly as rediculously hard to handle. I've even been texting with the Dinna a little bit, she's really happy right now and I'm happy for her. Really I am, she deserves to be happy and enjoy the world. I'm starting to enjoy it again too, and thru my own eyes for once. It's strange to think about how long it's been since I looked at the world without thinking about how someone else would appreciate it. Anyway, I'm trying and it's a start...

After the show tonight I ran into Moyer and we tied one on while she told me about New York and her debocles with love and life. I still love her as much as I ever have, but she's taken her life in her own direction, not to any surprise. She has a need to be in in the epicenter of whatever she's into at the time, and I love that about her. New York is the top of the world in many ways and she likes the scene, it's just not for me. Too fast, too harsh, too much. I couldn't handle the pressure of her world. But she's always a blast to be around. After a few drinks at ShangHi we closed down Valentines and her, joel the bartender and her friend William sang the night away on the still set up mics from the show earlier. It was a site to see for sure. I miss Moyer a lot sometimes, but really I'm glad things worked out the way they did. I love her to death and I'm always here for her (shit, I still have her cat) but I just couldn't keep up.

Bought a new frame today. I'm super excited! It's not fancey, but the geometry of it is what I was looking for and it'll be a good into to a truer track style riding, or something... Anyway, I'm stoked. Someday it'll grow up to be a real bike!

Umm, what else... Oh yeah, tomorrow I'm making dinner for Deborah, weird. Not sure what to think about that, so I'm just trying not to. I just hope I don't break down into a some long drawn out sob story about my latest failure at love and try to compare it to me and her or something. Damn it, I need to definitly not do that. I miss her tho and I love her to death. I'm really happy that we friends now, I'm not about to fuck that up. I'm not about to put the moves on anyone at this point, but I'm also aware that the Dinna is not coming back at this point and I have to enjoy the life I have. I enjoy Deborah very much few people make me smile the way she does. The woman worms my heart with a glance, it's unreal. So, we'll see. It's only dinner, and I've been itching to cook some food for someone, I'm sick of eating leftovers and remembering how the first time around the food was just as lonely as the reheat...

I'm tired and drunk, if you couldn't tell, also my thumbs hurt from typing on my phone, I need to get some internet action in the house again

Xoxo

C.