Saturday, November 21, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
My dream last night... i want to go back to sleep
ok, so bare with me, i'm a little spotty on the details... Judy, Johnny B and I went to a weekend bike race camp out in the woods. There were hundreds of cyclist there and you won money in each race, even if you came in last, somehow you got money. Judy and i were both entered in races, but different ones, and Johnny was just along for the experience, which of course meant he had no money and was getting no money so he was living thru the week on the cheep, hitting up girls and making new friends to get food and drugs and what not. When the three of us arrived at the race camp there was a Judges council on one side of a giant room with about 12 people sitting up who were to be the deciders of each race... Dinna was on the Judges council, but never said anything to me the entire dream, she just looked at me with a blank almost like she didn't even know me kind of stare.... Franko was one of the riders and we were neck and neck in the first race for a while until i managed to pass him and come in third. when franko did finish he fell on the floor of the giant room before the judges and no one did anything, so i jumped over the bar (did i mention there was a bar?) and grabbed some water then flung myself back over the bar to splash his face and revive him. Again the judges just stared down at us... judging... with judy with me we took Franko to our camp which was on isle three of the grocery store in the giant room... Johnny B was nowhere to be found. it was time for the dance competition, but i didn't have a partner, Judy was looking for JB for her partner, but he was off drinking beers in front of a punk house with some random boys doing laundry in washing machines in their yard. Johnny was wearing no shoes... Thats when i met the woman from Argentina. She was tall and beautiful, a lot older, probably fifty, but she looked good, streaks of gray in her jet back hair and a long South American dress with red and white flowers on it. when she took my hand we both instantly knew the most amazing dance steps, "i've never been much of a dancer," i told her, and she admitted the same. we danced the night away making moves towards Johnny or Judy or Franko in order to check up on them or see if they were doing alright. She invided us all on a trip to Argentina with her, but she was leaving that night, in her 67 Cadillac convertible, blizzard white with plush interior and a modern computer system like the kit car from nightrider... we all accepted the offer except Franko, he wanted to finish the bike competition. So we piled in and left camp with our winnings and headed out. Judy and Johnny both requested a plus one so we stopped in Portland to pick up their better halves and we were on our way south on the 101 with the wind in our hair and the world at fingers when... i woke up.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
All in all, a pretty good day
No river trip today, not a real one anyway. Fun was had tho. Got up early and had coffee, tackled some crosswords, read a little, then headed out to St. John's for breakfast at Proper Eats (yummy!!! i recommend the tempeh reuben, or any scramble, also the kombucha smoothie!). On the way back to town we stopped down at the old Pirate Ship yard and enjoyed the mugginess of the day. Then at home I finally took down the job that was the back yard. It was getting hard to make it to the house from the gate. Also got all the weeds out of the back garden bed. Made some late lunch/early dinner at home and now i'm unsure about what's next. it's that time of day where i should go out or not got out... i only have $5, so i'm opting for not go out, but it gets lonely here by myself at this time of day. the sun's about to go down, the air is amazing the sky is beautiful and I can't stop thinking about how I wish I was sharing everything. I mean, don't get me wrong, Bjorn was great company today, but this is the time of day i want to snuggle on the porch or in the grass with a special someone, Bjorn's just not cuttin it in that department. I guess time will figure this out for me, just like it figures most things out. Positive forward progress and all that... All in all, a pretty good day
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
new time table
ideally i think i would like to sleep four hours at night and four hours in the daytime. i love the sunrise, and i love the sunset, i love the night sky at midnight, and i love the morning sun (until about one PM), i love to sleep and dream, this way i could sleep and dream twice a day. i'm thinking maybe sleeping from one to five, both AM and PM, i mean what really happens from one to five (am or pm) that is so great? all the rest of the hours are awesome, sunrises, sunsets, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, good lighting... wow, look at the time.. i better catch some shuteye
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
"...Dark secrets burn their vessel..."
Wow, so... The sun, yeah, love it. All that riding in the rain was fun and all, but the past few days have just been a dream. Today I went out to st. Johns before work, then took the bridge to hwy 30 over to NW. It was so beautiful. And seeing all the cyclists out was amazing! Work was great too eveyone has a great outlook on life when the sun comes out after so much greyness, it's insperational. I had almost forgotten about the sun, I'd just begun to love life without it, then here she is, like a lost lover back for one more whirlwind romance.
Ate dinner at Gino's tonight, delicous as always. And I'm just realizing that I missed Casie's birthday... Sorry, and thanks for not giving me shit for that today, also thanks for that aweful song you got stuck in my head, not nice.
Went to another show at Valentines tonight. Fun stuff. It got me too excited to work so I turned in and went back for real. I've been working real hard lately on loving myself (ha! Yeah that too). I always seem to be super bummed out when I'm not with someone I care about, but that's fucked. I'm trying to be happy with just me right now, sounds dumb, but I feel a lot better. All the shit I normally cling to in the person I'm in love with I'm trying to get excited about in me. It's kind of like i'm trying to date myself for a while. It's a little hard cuz I look much less like a woman than anyone I've ever dated. But really it's been helping a lot, I'm still having some crazy spells, but they seem to be much milder and not nearly as rediculously hard to handle. I've even been texting with the Dinna a little bit, she's really happy right now and I'm happy for her. Really I am, she deserves to be happy and enjoy the world. I'm starting to enjoy it again too, and thru my own eyes for once. It's strange to think about how long it's been since I looked at the world without thinking about how someone else would appreciate it. Anyway, I'm trying and it's a start...
After the show tonight I ran into Moyer and we tied one on while she told me about New York and her debocles with love and life. I still love her as much as I ever have, but she's taken her life in her own direction, not to any surprise. She has a need to be in in the epicenter of whatever she's into at the time, and I love that about her. New York is the top of the world in many ways and she likes the scene, it's just not for me. Too fast, too harsh, too much. I couldn't handle the pressure of her world. But she's always a blast to be around. After a few drinks at ShangHi we closed down Valentines and her, joel the bartender and her friend William sang the night away on the still set up mics from the show earlier. It was a site to see for sure. I miss Moyer a lot sometimes, but really I'm glad things worked out the way they did. I love her to death and I'm always here for her (shit, I still have her cat) but I just couldn't keep up.
Bought a new frame today. I'm super excited! It's not fancey, but the geometry of it is what I was looking for and it'll be a good into to a truer track style riding, or something... Anyway, I'm stoked. Someday it'll grow up to be a real bike!
Umm, what else... Oh yeah, tomorrow I'm making dinner for Deborah, weird. Not sure what to think about that, so I'm just trying not to. I just hope I don't break down into a some long drawn out sob story about my latest failure at love and try to compare it to me and her or something. Damn it, I need to definitly not do that. I miss her tho and I love her to death. I'm really happy that we friends now, I'm not about to fuck that up. I'm not about to put the moves on anyone at this point, but I'm also aware that the Dinna is not coming back at this point and I have to enjoy the life I have. I enjoy Deborah very much few people make me smile the way she does. The woman worms my heart with a glance, it's unreal. So, we'll see. It's only dinner, and I've been itching to cook some food for someone, I'm sick of eating leftovers and remembering how the first time around the food was just as lonely as the reheat...
I'm tired and drunk, if you couldn't tell, also my thumbs hurt from typing on my phone, I need to get some internet action in the house again
Xoxo
C.
Ate dinner at Gino's tonight, delicous as always. And I'm just realizing that I missed Casie's birthday... Sorry, and thanks for not giving me shit for that today, also thanks for that aweful song you got stuck in my head, not nice.
Went to another show at Valentines tonight. Fun stuff. It got me too excited to work so I turned in and went back for real. I've been working real hard lately on loving myself (ha! Yeah that too). I always seem to be super bummed out when I'm not with someone I care about, but that's fucked. I'm trying to be happy with just me right now, sounds dumb, but I feel a lot better. All the shit I normally cling to in the person I'm in love with I'm trying to get excited about in me. It's kind of like i'm trying to date myself for a while. It's a little hard cuz I look much less like a woman than anyone I've ever dated. But really it's been helping a lot, I'm still having some crazy spells, but they seem to be much milder and not nearly as rediculously hard to handle. I've even been texting with the Dinna a little bit, she's really happy right now and I'm happy for her. Really I am, she deserves to be happy and enjoy the world. I'm starting to enjoy it again too, and thru my own eyes for once. It's strange to think about how long it's been since I looked at the world without thinking about how someone else would appreciate it. Anyway, I'm trying and it's a start...
After the show tonight I ran into Moyer and we tied one on while she told me about New York and her debocles with love and life. I still love her as much as I ever have, but she's taken her life in her own direction, not to any surprise. She has a need to be in in the epicenter of whatever she's into at the time, and I love that about her. New York is the top of the world in many ways and she likes the scene, it's just not for me. Too fast, too harsh, too much. I couldn't handle the pressure of her world. But she's always a blast to be around. After a few drinks at ShangHi we closed down Valentines and her, joel the bartender and her friend William sang the night away on the still set up mics from the show earlier. It was a site to see for sure. I miss Moyer a lot sometimes, but really I'm glad things worked out the way they did. I love her to death and I'm always here for her (shit, I still have her cat) but I just couldn't keep up.
Bought a new frame today. I'm super excited! It's not fancey, but the geometry of it is what I was looking for and it'll be a good into to a truer track style riding, or something... Anyway, I'm stoked. Someday it'll grow up to be a real bike!
Umm, what else... Oh yeah, tomorrow I'm making dinner for Deborah, weird. Not sure what to think about that, so I'm just trying not to. I just hope I don't break down into a some long drawn out sob story about my latest failure at love and try to compare it to me and her or something. Damn it, I need to definitly not do that. I miss her tho and I love her to death. I'm really happy that we friends now, I'm not about to fuck that up. I'm not about to put the moves on anyone at this point, but I'm also aware that the Dinna is not coming back at this point and I have to enjoy the life I have. I enjoy Deborah very much few people make me smile the way she does. The woman worms my heart with a glance, it's unreal. So, we'll see. It's only dinner, and I've been itching to cook some food for someone, I'm sick of eating leftovers and remembering how the first time around the food was just as lonely as the reheat...
I'm tired and drunk, if you couldn't tell, also my thumbs hurt from typing on my phone, I need to get some internet action in the house again
Xoxo
C.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
"I need a guillatene to get you off my mind..."
I haven't been writing in this for a while. Not for any good reason, it just hasn't happened. A lot of shit has happened since the last post... Hmm yeah too much to get into. I'm typing this on my phone so it will surely be breif. Called in sick today, been having anxiety problems, at least I think that's what it is. I'll get light headed and feel pike I'm gonna puke or pass out, or my hand or leg will start shaking for no good reason, not sure what's going on. I feel fine now that I'm not going to work. I'm broke again, but that's not so bad.
Painted my room the other day, with the much needed help of Vanj and JB. The colors are canoe-brown, snow cone- blue, and my sweet patunia-pink. The pink is in the closet (shiv's room). She needs a girly space of her own.
The cats and shiv are all cuddled up on me so I'm gonna take a page from their book and catch some zzz's
Xoxo
Painted my room the other day, with the much needed help of Vanj and JB. The colors are canoe-brown, snow cone- blue, and my sweet patunia-pink. The pink is in the closet (shiv's room). She needs a girly space of her own.
The cats and shiv are all cuddled up on me so I'm gonna take a page from their book and catch some zzz's
Xoxo
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