20. where to put the vomit?

20. where to put the vomit?

So I’ve been doing this cab thing for about two and a half years now. I’ve talked to a lot of people who’ve been there much longer than me who have never had a puker. That is to say that no one has ever vomited in their cab. Not once. I was counting earlier and I’ve had eight people so far blow chunks in or on my cab. Wait no nine, I just thought of a another guy. This isn’t counting all the times that people got out and puked on the side walk next to my cab. Those are the good people. Those people deserve awards for self awareness and respect for others. I mean, I get it, puking is a natural reaction for some people to drinking too much. I’ve definitely done my share of puking in the street, in the bar, on the side walk, in my bed, the toilet, the sink, down my pants, in a shoe, a drawer, all types of indoor flooring surfaces… But as far as I can remember I’ve never puked on or in anyone’s car, and especially not a stranger’s car. Some people are courteous enough to extend this same kindness to me, others are not.

I’ll go in chronological order, starting with the most recent pukers. Last weekend I had a really attractive lesbian couple in the cab who were of course totally wasted. They were nice enough though. The passenger side girl was definitely the hot one in the team, the other girl was cute, but the passenger side girl was hot, I mean hotter than L Word hot, I was trying not to stare. She was also kind of a jerk, the cute girl was super nice though and kept apologizing for her partner. The hot girl was nodding out a bit at the end of the ride, but showed no signs of needing the barf alarm when she leans forward and says vary calmly and softly, “you really need to pull over now.” And as if her saying the words was the same as me thinking them the car stopped immediately. She hopped out and spewed some clear and kind of milky liquid out, probably the remnants of five or six white Russians and got back in the car. Didn’t say another word till we got to the house, then just as I turned around to ask for my twelve bucks she looked me in the eye and right then puked into the pocket of her shirt, it was like she had been planning this. Like she knew she might need to puke more, but may not be able to get out of the car in time, so this pocket was all picked out and ready. She knew what was going on and she had control of the situation, just no control over the many white Russians floating around in her hot little belly. I was really impressed. She didn’t spill a drop, no spray, no overflow, no leaks. She just got out, handed her cute partner her credit card to pay for the ride, and walked into her house, all with one hand on her right breast pocket to hold steady the small pool of vomit she chose to put in it.

About a month ago I picked up a very large woman. A lot of you have heard this story; it’s one of my favorite cab stories to tell. I think that’s why I haven’t written it down. I’m not sure it comes across as well without the hand gestures and my impersonation of this behemoth. Anyway, I picked up a very large woman. She was in the 400lb plus club, this was no small potato. She was at a cocktail party at the Chinese Gardens in Chinatown, wearing a kind of sun dress I think. I don’t know, it was floral and had a low cut bust/neck/ chins line. This all took place at the beginning of my shift around 4:30pm, the sun was still out, and this lady was hammered. She must have had about fifty vodka tonics and at least half the orderve bar before I got to her. She was bulging with gluttony, hey I like to drink too much and gorge myself as much as the next guy, but this lady, you could see it. She got in and smelled of booze and grease, but she was nice enough, not too talkative just kind of stewing in her own thoughts. We cross the river, then made it all the way up to 39^th ave, when she says, “hey, pull over… pull over” I spun the car up a drive way and out of traffic all the while wondering how his woman was going to exit the car even remotely fast. She didn’t, she tried to get out. She opened the door and turned her head, but it was no use getting out was going to take too long so again, our eyes met as she looked up at me with a perfect look of apology then her head dropped and she filled her ginormous cleavage with the most vile smelling and disgusting looking vomit I have ever seen. There must have been two gallons of it. And yet, not a drop in the cab, it all fit in her boobs. Then now that she had some time to think and assess the situation, also I was giving her a look that meant, “what are you going to do with it now?” She slowly and carefully exited the car, leaned straight over and dumped two gallons of vomit out of her party dress cleavage and onto some poor saps lawn at about 39^th and SE Lincoln. I really wish I had this event on video tape because it truly was amazing, in the most awful and disturbing way possible.

Those are the two best places I’ve seen people puke in my cab. There was also a kid who puked in his shoe after I stopped to the side of the freeway onramp with cars flying by at 70 mph watching him blow chunks of malt liquor and cheese-its all over the freeway. He was kind of an asshole so I’m just going to leave the story at that.

A friend of mine had a guy puke so bad in his cab that the vomit got all the way up to the dash board in the front seat, it shorted out all his dash lights. The guy had to get a new back seat, and actually got a ticket the next week for speeding because he couldn’t tell how fast he was going cuz some asshole’s barf had shorted out his electrical. Awful stuff.

All and all preemptively avoiding a puke filled situation is always the best way to go, for both cabby and passenger. So please, if you have to puke, try and do before you get in the cab, and if you’re going to puke, let the driver know. And further, if you do end up puking in a cab, you better make it funny and you better pay well and clean it up yourself.

Here is a list of conjugations and mutations of the word BARF along with the new possible meanings. Please add more if you want.

Barf-o-rama: everyone barfs

Barftastic: as good as barf

Barfolicious:

Barftacular:

Barfbatum: exactly how he barfed it

Barforella: butt rock band with queasy stomachs

Barferia: fear of barf

Barflry: stop barfing around

Barfed: you’re totally barfed

Barfatious: extreme barf

Barfocide: kills barf, or kills other things with barf

Barfista: professional barf maker

Barfiesta: barf party

Barfaloriate: graduated from the school of barf

Barf-a-thon: how much barf have you got