Radio Cab 19. don’t lock your keys in your car… it’s stupid

So today I was driving down 26th for no real reason, just burning gas and polluting the world with my cab driving, and I saw a friend of mine in a parking lot with his cab. He was talking to another driver, so I was immediately drawn to the lot. If there are two cabs, there may as well be three. Turned out that he’d locked his keys in his car, and the other guy was bringing a set from the shop. Poor guy was stuck in front of Plaid Pantry for like 15 minutes waiting for his keys… joke. We didn’t have time to get into it there at the Plaid, but this is what I wanted to tell him about (sorry if this story has already been told, I’m pretty sure it’s not written down yet, but if it is, then you’re going to hear it again, or I guess you could stop reading….). The point is that cab driving may not be what brings me trouble, maybe I bring the trouble to the cab business.

Last winter was a particularly cold son of a bitch. The wind was crazy and the rain didn’t stop for months. This made my job awesome! No one wants to wait for a bus or walk or ride their bike in a fucking monsoon. One of the amazing things about driving cab in the winter time is that you can pretty much live in shorts and a t-shirt if you want; you control the climate in the cab so it’s all up to you. On this day I was wearing a long sleeve shirt and jeans, no jacket, no scarf, no gloves, no hat… etc. I stopped at a convenience store for something to drink and locked my damn keys in the cab. I was only going to be out in the cold windy hell hole that is the outdoors at night in the winter in Portland, for a few seconds, so I didn’t even think to bring a coat, or any of the other useful things that were just on the other side of that fucking glass window. Did I mention that it was about 8:59 pm when I went into the store? And the store closed at 9pm. I was THEE last customer; they locked the door behind me on the way out. I walked to my cab and there were my keys, dangling from the ignition like some kind of sick fucking joke. The cab was mocking me. Up until this point the night was really good, I remember having a fist full of cash. Oh yeah, I had a wallet full of cash, it was in my pocket, and that’s all that was in my pocket, cash and now I had a bottle of water. I franticly checked all my pockets for the extra key that I always carry with me when I drive. Cab or no cab, I learned a long time ago that I’m a total fucking moron and that I lock my keys in the car all time. I always keep an extra key to my cab in my pocket and to my personal car in my wallet, but not this day. On this day, the only available key was in the car, and that’s because only one key exists for this god damn cab. When the idea that I was totally fucked sunk in, that’s when I turned around to see the nice Asian couple locking their doors and getting in their car to go home. I was fucked.

I managed to trade the shop keepers some paper money for some coins they had in their pockets. I think I got something like a buck fifty for a five dollar bill. I shivered over to the pay phone by the wall and called dispatch, surly they could help. They told me to call back in a minute, before I could explain anything they hung up wasting two of my precious quarters. I waited. When I got a hold of them they searched high and low at the shop but there were no keys anywhere. They gave me the number for Pop-a-Lock a local company that will open your door if you’re too stupid to function like a normal person and bring the keys with you when you get out of your car. I used my last two quarters to call them… 45 minutes they said.
It was 30 degrees outside. The wind was blowing at 500 miles per hour. And it was fucking pouring rain. My long sleeve shirt was not cutting it. I had about worn a hole in the sidewalk pacing back and forth. After an hour I was about to give up completely and just leave the cab there and walk to the nearest bar (not close) to forget this day ever happened, just as soon as I could feel my face again. I figured someone had to walk by willing to trade another five dollar bill for some change so I could at least call. I must have asked 50 people for change, not free change I was offering money for it, and no one would help me. I was shaking so bad that most people ran off at the mere sight of me. Finally someone gave me two quarters and I happily handed them a five. It was going to be another hour.

I really didn’t know what to do. It was now after 10 pm and no place within decent walking distance was open so I couldn’t walk somewhere to get warm then walk back. I had no phone for these fuckers to call me on when they got there. I had no change to call anyone else for help. I just had to wait. And wait. And freeze. And wait.

Finally the dude showed up. He opened the door in about half a second, charged me $60, and left. I was saved. I drove my cab straight back to work to turn it in and hit the bar. When I got to the bar it was closed for someone funeral or something. Yeah, it’s true. So I went home and tried to pretend that this day never happened.